Local Three-Year-Old Demands Everything, Then Falls Asleep

In a shocking first, local three-year-old, Brooke Reed, spent much of the morning demanding a wide variety of things from her steadily decaying parents, before promptly falling asleep right in the middle of the hallway.

The morning began normally with Brooke complaining about how her peanut butter toast was cut (today it had to be triangles even though every other morning for the previous four months it had been squares). She neglected to mention this before the toast was cut, leading to a second slice of peanut butter toast needing to be made.

After breakfast, Brooke proceeded to boss her parents around, to the point of telling them where they should stand and who would be taking her to the toilet. Half-way through said toilet expedition, Brooke demanded a parent change and ran out of the bathroom before she washed her hands.

Later, Brooke threw up on her parent’s brand new Pierre Frey carpet before wandering down the hallway and falling asleep.

While Brooke slept, her parents alternated between cleaning the carpet and drawing obscene pictures on their daughter’s face.

A Professional Opinion

Psychologist Camilla Perez has been studying the warped behaviour of three-year-olds for over five years, and recently completed her thesis, Why Perfectly Sensible People Give Up a Great Life and Have Children. Despite premature aging caused by years of researching toddler behaviour first-hand, Camilla does see positives for having children…

It is clear that unless people continue to have children, the human species will die out after a slow, heart-breaking decline. We would leave behind a world that will eventually turn back into a natural paradise, where our very presence will be rendered undetectable as vegetation and wildlife reclaim our cities and towns. So, we better keep having kids, even if they drive us insane.